Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Negativity

I have been feeling small for the past year.
I have been feeling insufficient and not enough.

I felt like a bad person, essentially. All my weaknesses were magnified and accentuated and I could not see anything but my faults and flaws.

I could not think of anything but mistakes I have done. Or bad decisions that I have made, or moments of recklessness and irresponsibility.

I had good moments, I saw new places.
There was a lot of good that happened to me over the past year and a lot of good that I have done. But I just tended towards overlooking it and thinking that it was not enough. I did not want to be perfect, I know being perfect is not even possible, I was just striving and thriving to please others. I was so hard on myself and when the time came when I lay my head to sleep at night, all those thoughts would race in my head.

All those concerns and my heart would send all this heaviness throughout my body - it was always hard to breathe and I can't even count the times that I cried myself to sleep.
I was complaining all the time; about life not being fair, asking my friends what to do and what they think and if there is any hope. I was burdened.

BUT.

I only realized the amount of negativity that was within and around me recently. I went to Florida for two weeks and spent the time reflecting on that... I just didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to feel like I am enough. I mean, all I ever wanted was to be happy and be at peace with who I am.

But to be at peace with who I am, I needed to be aware of my faults and make peace with them, THEN try and find ways to "downplay" them or "fix" them if needed. But that had to be a decision I made. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

what about you?

You are but a bunch of recycled thoughts. A select few favorite words that you use over and over and over again. Shuffle, shuffle and reshuffle to verbalize a thought that you are too scared to otherwise rid yourself of; for what are you without your thoughts?
But if you word thoughts were gloom? And what if your words are poison?
What about those you care for and those who care for you?

And what about you.



Sunday, December 7, 2014

Nights I Would Take Back

here via here

There is one specific point.
One certain decision that I would take back. I would give anything to take that evening back.
I was sitting there and decided to start to head out.

I made plans I said.
It's okay, he said, you can cancel - come with me instead.
You can't cancel plans last minute, I claimed.

And I left.
I left and it all went downhill from there.

I wish I could take that one night back.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Hi

I have been having a really hard time and I feel the need to document this.
I have been neglecting this place as if it were my enemy and I have no idea why.

My grandmother passed away last month. My grandmother was more like a mother to me. But I am trying to deal with that, I have dealt with losing my grandfather, so I have a bit of experience.

On a different note, I have been feeling lost and confused. Not knowing what I want - or rather knowing what I want but not being able to take the steps to get that. I felt crippled, and the more I thought about it the more it left me immobile. I waited and waited and waited; for a sign, for a signal, for something...not realizing that I had waited too long.

Yes, there is such a thing as waiting too long. I waited too long, twice, the one time out of patience and the other out of fear - out of fear to make a decision that might not be the right one.

It's as if I haven't learnt anything over the past ten years. TEN YEARS and I am thinking the same thoughts and doing the same things. Ten years and I am not sure how to get what I want and how to know if I really want it. And seven years have passed and I am not really sure how to go for things and not just wait for things to sort themselves out.

Why could things not sort themselves out? If I have the intention to sort them out, if I WANT to make things right - what's wrong with that?
I want to make things right and it's all I think about but never do anything about. I want to make things right but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin. I am scared - or was scared - to invest even more in things not knowing where that will lead me (even further away from where I want to be?)

I forgot to practice what I preach. I forgot that if you want something you should do all you can to show the world that you want it. I forgot that if you want something you work for it, it doesn't matter where you'll end up as long as you know you tried. If you want something, you try, damn it, Sara, you try!

I forgot my purpose, and hence lost my purpose and direction.

I forgot to remember to not regress when attacked, constantly. I forgot to remember that it's okay for people to not appreciate me the way I would like for them to; people have different ways of expressing things. I forgot that it is more than words, that I shouldn't be blind to actions. I forgot so many things until it all hit me and now all I want to do is curl in a ball in bed and hope for it all to go away.

Yeah, at least I remember that if you want something, you work for it.
Anyway, that's what's been up.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Making of Butterflies


I want to cocoon.
I want distance and detachment. I want solitude and seclusion.
I want to come back to see that you have finally changed your mind. To see that it has finally sunk in. To see that it all finally makes sense.

The goal is to wake up and slowly move or not move at all so as to not wake you. The goal is to exist silently, softly, to float around you.

The goal is to not disturb the lightness you hold dear. To occupy some space but not too much, until your things make room for mine next to them, until the boundary disappears – that imaginary line separating my side from yours.

The purpose is to correctly lay your things down without you having to readjust them. The purpose is to perfect my Brunoise.

The purpose is to be all the right things while still being me. It’s only superficial, the core and essence never change - just tiny corrections at the surface to help the center shine through.

I never really understood this before, it always felt like someone is attacking my existence, my being – it felt like someone was constantly trying to change and control me and it aggravated the feminist in me. To me, no one deserved that I alter my behavior and mannerisms for them. No one deserved that I put in that extra effort – as long as I was comfortable, everyone else should be. And it was in my own comfort that I did not create a storm. Aggravate me, and it would rain on you for days on end.

But that has changed. I am about to emerge a butterfly.