Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Making of Butterflies

I want to cocoon.
I want distance and detachment. I want solitude and seclusion.
I want to come back to see that you have finally changed your mind. To see that it has finally sunk in. To see that it all finally makes sense.

The goal is to wake up and slowly move or not move at all so as to not wake you. The goal is to exist silently, softly, to float around you.

The goal is to not disturb the lightness you hold dear. To occupy some space but not too much, until your things make room for mine next to them, until the boundary disappears – that imaginary line separating my side from yours.

The purpose is to correctly lay your things down without you having to readjust them. The purpose is to perfect my Brunoise.

The purpose is to be all the right things while still being me. It’s only superficial, the core and essence never change - just tiny corrections at the surface to help the center shine through.

I never really understood this before, it always felt like someone is attacking my existence, my being – it felt like someone was constantly trying to change and control me and it aggravated the feminist in me. To me, no one deserved that I alter my behavior and mannerisms for them. No one deserved that I put in that extra effort – as long as I was comfortable, everyone else should be. And it was in my own comfort that I did not create a storm. Aggravate me, and it would rain on you for days on end.

But that has changed. I am about to emerge a butterfly.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

What My Mother Said

My mother always told me to not "spill" everything about myself to people, let alone men I find interesting. Or could potentially find interesting.

She told me that some things are better left unsaid. Or hidden. Or "concealed"

So after two failed serious relationships, which happened to take place one after the other, I found a man interesting. I thought well, let's try my mother's advice this time.

And boy was I wrong.

This could be the worst thing I have ever done to myself. One of my bigger mistakes, and definitely among my very few regrets.

So mothers are right when it comes to sensing things. But I am never taking my mum's advice ever again. But I also know better than to blame a parent for a mistake I have made. I should have known better.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

A Year in Review

I have mentioned it before that 2013 was a "year of ending" for me (here)
So many things have changed for me over the past year in many ways - mostly overwhelming ways - needless to say, it was quite the tough year.
I have done a lot of traveling. Maybe in search of something, and maybe in running away from something, I am not so sure. I am also not sure if I have learnt anything while traveling. I mean, I have learnt things about specific people. (maybe also about myself)

I have learnt that: I like buying gifts for my family back home, I get homesick easily, being on a highway in the rain scares me, even more so when on a mountain. I love Germany.

I also know now what bittersweet feels like. It's the exact feeling you get when tying loose ends for your own sake and for the benefit of others. It's that feeling you get sitting on a park bench with wind in your hair and your lips are smiling, your heart is aching and tears are running down your cheeks. But you are not lonely, because you know someone else if feeling exactly the same. But you made the right choice.

He was such an adorable little kitten!!

One more important lesson I learnt this year was to NOT ignore signs and gut feelings because they are there for a reason - be it warning signs or ones that bring your attention to a certain thing. And it was something I took so much pride in but this year, I tended to ignore my gut feeling in attempts to be more "grownup" and more "realistic" but I ended up falling flat on my face, really. I lost control. I lost track of who I really am.

Here's a list of (some of the) things I have done for the first time this year:

  1.  Walked in a forest
  2. Slept to the sound of a running stream
  3. Cross-country road trip
  4. Moroccan "hammam"
  5. Visited new places and countries
So it wasn't that bad after all. I am looking forward to this year; which I started yesterday among family smoking shisha and having pizza. (Earlier I was with my friends)

Monday, December 16, 2013

All What Counts

I am alone in a hotel room. Just me and my mind - me and my thoughts.
Me and my confusion.
When it should have been me and you.
You and me.

I am alone; my mirror and I, and I look up to see her. She who knows not what to do with her life, with her self. She, who has dark circles round her eyes. Maybe it's days of work, but it could also be what she has brought upon herself.

She has turned into this person she refuses to accept. And in this refusal, she has learnt to lie not only to others but also to herself. It is a bit hard to swallow, the person she has become; real.
Reality comes with lines around your eyes, and stretchmarks on your thighs. It comes with grey hair and heartbreak. It comes with the realization that you cannot save the world.

Even worse, it comes with the realization that you are capable of hurting others. You are capable of hurting those who love you. (and those who truly care for you)

I look up and decide to look through pictures of my younger self, some from when I thought I had life figured out (seven years ago) - I thought that maybe finally, my life is sorting itself out. But no. It kept doing the same thing over and over again where it pushes me further and further into a place I could no longer recognize.

I am not scared to admit it any longer, in fact, I don't have life figured out. I have no idea where I am heading and the closest thing to a plan I have is this: to start saving, to write a business plan and to stop lying to myself. But I don't know where I want to be in two years, let alone five. What I know is that I feel young, that I won't let anything weigh me down, and that is all that counts at times.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

First Day of School - Life Edition

Actually, I want to talk to you.
My fiance and I broke up some two months ago.
It was my second long term relationship. Before then, I was with someone for two and a half years, and four months after we broke up, I met my now ex-fiance - we were together for almost three years.

I turned twenty while dating ex number one and I turned twenty-six fresh out of the relationship with ex number two. And the conclusion is that I don't really know my grown up self at all. I have never been single in my twenties. The twenty-something year old person that I know as myself has always been with someone. And this is all so weird for me.
I am enjoying it.
I am enjoying hanging out with friends; old and new, and catching up with people in general

But I can't deny the fact that it is quite weird in an unsettling kind of way. I am just not used to it. It's like the first day of school all over again. It's not that I feel like I don't fit in, it's just that I am seeing myself in a different life, discovering myself in a different context. I don't know my mannerisms anymore. I am me and just me and only have to do things that would please me, and would be okay by me. My plans are my plans and my time is just my time. There are no constraints, there is no other variable in the equation that is my life.

It's weird.

I am discovering a new dimension of everything and everyone and not just myself and my life.
I just came back from a very nice trip to the Red Sea, which has always been my favourite. I'll post pictures then!