Sometimes, things happen to you and you wonder how you'll ever survive them. And sometimes, these things are your own doing...and you wonder how stupid someone could be...
How stupid you could be.
I might be going through one of the toughest things I ever had to go through. But this is how life works. Rough times make you stronger, they make you tougher, but I am worried I am getting too tough. At times, I am totally unable to exhibit emotion towards the ones I love, and I can only do it when I am on my own.
To make it seem easier, I thought I would make a list. A list of the hardest things I ever had to go through.
1. Watching my grandfather die. I actually did watch my grandfather die. He died of a heart attack and it was a matter of minutes.
2. Realizing that I am not the person I think I am. I am someone, and I think I am a totally different person, it is who I want to be but it is not really who I am. As I grew older, I became...darker. Life became harder, and I decided, well, if it is hard anyway, why not top it off by doing stupid things? (because, logic...)
3. A beak up...potentially two. DUE TO THE SAME STUPID REASON. And, both my own wrong doing. I really don't know what to do with myself.
4. I think that is pretty much it. I have lead a relatively easy life.
I mean, I have lost several family members to cancer, as well, but so has everyone. I have made wrong choices and decision left, right and center. But I think it is time.
It's time to change this.
“…And with these the sense of the world’s concreteness, irreducible,
immediate, tangible, of something clear and closer to us: of the
world, no longer as a journey having constantly to be remade, not as
a race without end, a challenge having constantly to be met, not as
the one pretext for a despairing acquisitiveness, nor as the illusion of
a conquest, but as the rediscovery of a meaning, the perceiving that
the earth is a form of writing, a geography, of which we had
forgotten that we ourselves are the authors.”
–Georges Perec, “Species of Spaces” via Keri Smith